Превращение мужчины в девушку рассказы

Welcome to the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library Wiki!

An anthology and collection of short stories mostly from Japanese Anime and Manga, all with the same Transgender Theme. Plus a Main or Side Character who is a male to female transgender person, or a person who goes through a transformation and changes their Physical Sex and/or Gender Expression from male to female.

The Media Wiki page can be found here.

This Library Wiki will also honor the side characters of the stories who are allys, friends, partners, and lovers of trans people, and who help and encourage them in their trans-related life’s endeavors.

Introduction to This Specialized Wiki

In the wide, wonderful world of Japanese Anime and Manga, there are all sorts of stories that tell of human endeavors. Found within this world, and almost no where else, are stories of ones born perceived as male, but grow up to know and understand that they were born in the wrong body. Many perceived males know that eventually they should try to transition to that of their correct Gender Identity of that of a female. Each transgender individual has a story to tell, about how they addressed their concerns, how they planned their transition if that is what they wanted, and what the outcome of their efforts were. Each transition to one’s correct gender is unique to that person alone. However, there are as many individual stories of how ones accomplished their goals of transitioning, as there are individual people themselves.

Each individual who wants to transition has to find the best way for them to go about doing so. Everybody’s circumstances and situations are different. But reading about how other transgender persons have transitioned, or have changed their Gender Expression to female, can be informative, encouraging and can contribute to one’s own emotion and social satisfaction. Even if these stories have fictional characters, much about the typical, and not so typical, life of a transgender person can be learned. Thus, the concept of this Wiki was born, to show the may diverse ways that perceived males can embrace their true and correct gender of that of a female.

Purpose of this Wiki

Most children, when they are growing up and reaching puberty, look forward to this time when they soon will access adult privileges, and see themselves and their bodies become more adult-like. But for a small minority of boys, who know unreservedly that they are girls on the inside, the onset of puberty is a time of emotional pain and suffering. They see their bodies developing the sex characteristics that are opposite of what they want. To add to the unpleasantness, is that many times, because they are legal minors, they have no say so about how their lives are handled. It then becomes common for such boys to become discouraged and develop low self worth, even in extreme situations wherein they consider suicide. Proper gender related help should be given, but many times that just is not possible.

During such times of uncertainty for male to female adolescents, there should be a source of encouragement and hope, a source where ones can read about characters many times just like themselves. That is the purpose of this Library and Wiki, to be a source of stories wherein male to female transgender persons, as well as persons who wish to transform themselves from male to female, as well as anyone who has an interest in this subject, can read and identify with. True, the stories are all of fictional characters. But so much of Fiction can be a mirror of Real Life, and Real Life so often is told about in Fiction. This Library and Wiki can be a very private and intimate source for entertaining and informative fictional life stories, from the very real, to the very bizarre. If these stories can help and uplift just one male to female distressed person, or inform and aid one person to become an ally to transgender people, then the purpose of this wiki will have been fulfilled. May all transgender and transformative persons seek and find the comfort and help that they so dearly need.

Structure of this Wiki

The top toolbar is the key to entering the Library. Find the label that says The Transformation Stories. Click on it and a drop down menu will show you the various Library Aisles wherein the many stories can be found. The stories are arranged in alphabetical order, according to the first word in the title of the story. Click on the title of the story that you wish to access. That will take you to the Front Page of that story. On the Front Page will be a synopsis of the story, an introduction to the story, a link to the characters of the story, and a list of the chapters. If the story is a oneshot, the entire story will be in the Front Page. If the story is longer, click on Chapter 1 to take you to that page, and begin reading. At the end of each chapter page, there will be a link to the next chapter. Or you could go back to the Front Page, and click on each individual chapter link to access that chapter’s page. At the bottom of the Front Page may be a section where anime and manga fans, or story critics, give their opinions and comments about the story, for your review and consideration. May you enjoy your time here reading about these stories that you have an interest in.

Check Out the Newest Additions to the Library

The following stories have already been acquired by the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library, and shown below are the newest and latest stories in the Library, plus the most popular and most viewed stories. Click on the picture to be taken to that story. Most titles are already fully completed, however, a few stories might be nearing completion. For more stories, click on the banner on the toolbar called, «The Trans Stories», then click on the Library aisle that you want to browse, then click on the title of the story that you wish to read. Each story will have a synopsis on the front page of that story, as well as links to major character’s profile pages. (If at the end of the chapter or story text, there is a (THE END) notice, that means that the story is complete.

A COMPLETE INVENTORY OF ALL OF THE COMPLETED STORIES IN THIS LIBRARY, IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER, CAN BE FOUND HERE.

____________________________________________

LOOK AT WHAT’S NEW AND JUST ADDED TO THIS LIBRARY

____________________________________________

_________________________________________________

THE SIX MOST POPULAR STORIES IN THIS LIBRARY, AS CHOSEN BY YOU, THE READERS

__________________________________________________

Future Acquisitions Requested by the Male to Female Trans Library

The following stories are under review and consideration to be acquired by the male to female Transformation Library. All stories will have a male to female transgender or transformation theme. Click on each picture to be taken to a synopsis of that story. Be aware that the story may or may not eventually be added to the Library. Stories in this section that have begun to be chronicled beyond the front page synopsis are very likely to be eventually added to the Library. In addition, stories, after being accepted, still need to be adapted to this Library Wiki’s format, and that may take some time.

The Transformation Story Search Project information page can be found here.

Disclosures

This Library Wiki, based on the stories of Japanese Anime and Manga, as well as unpublished stories, is a male to female transgender/transformation themed wiki, and may not be suitable for children or pre-teens. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED !!! Everything in this Library is ‘G’, or no more than ‘PG-13’, but the Library does contain mature subject matter related to transgender/transformation of fictional characters from male to female. That being said, it is expected, and insisted, that everyone coming to this Transgender Themed Wiki must comply with the LGBTQIA+ Guidelines instituted by FANDOM management, so as to be respectful of transgender characters, as well as transgender concepts presented in the manga and anime stories.

As the various stories are chronicled in this Library Wiki, every effort at editing will be made to preserve the descriptive language that the mangaka, and/or the Japanese to English translator, has originally selected or used. However, even the most faithful literary work will contain minor missuses of gendered pronouns or gender designations and markers. Effort will be made to correct as many socially or politically incorrect markers as possible. But that is not a blanket guarantee of total or complete success. Guidelines as to how gendered markers will be used are as follows—

The male to female transgender/transformed MC (main character) or side character, when they are presenting as perceived as a male, male or gender neutral pronouns or markers will be used. When the MC is presenting as their correct gender of female, female pronouns or markers will be used. The Founder and Sysop of this Wiki will have the final determination as to the exact language and wording that will be used throughout this Library Wiki. Comments about this policy can be directed to the discussion section of this Wiki.

Meet Two of the Male to Female Transgender Characters

Find Leonard / Noel Norwood in the short story «Winning is So Sweet»
___________________________________________________________

Find the Kakeru in the manga story «Miracle Girl Kakeru»

___________________________________________________________

Disclaimers

The Management Positions for the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library Wiki are all taken, and the editing manpower of this wiki is currently adequate. This wiki, founded by a male to female transgender and bigender person themselves IRL, is a very specialized and narrow focused wiki. It is a male to female transgender themed wiki, featuring positive male to female transgender attitudes and viewpoints, as well as favorable displaying of persons who transform their gender expression from male to female, and would be best to be edited by transgender people themselves, who can tell the feelings and stories of transgender persons with personal conviction, understanding, and compassion. However, if you still feel that you supposedly somehow have to edit on this wiki, you MUST observe these Editing Guidelines, found here. Additional wiki rules enforced by FANDOM also apply to this Wiki, and can be found here.

Hello ! My name is Noel Norwood. I am the Librarian for the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library. And just in case you are wondering, the answer is «Yes»! I was born perceived as a male. I was named Leonard Norwood. A real bratty boy who was sort of a bully, and was all wrapped up in sports and sports trivia. Looked down on all girls. Many times would gave DeeDee, a girl that I have known since kindergarten, such a hard time (how did she ever put up with me?).

But when I was fourteen years old, and with the help of my childhood friend, DeeDee, and my other two girl companions, I transitioned to my correct Gender Identity of that of a teenage girl! I’m older now, turned 18 and a legal adult if you can believe that, hopefully somewhat wiser, and I take care of this very specialized library (look for my story elsewhere in this library). My friends sometimes help out at the library, too ! For whatever reasons you come here, to browse, to read the various stories, I hope that you find your time spent here most enjoyable and rewarding.

YO ! Wazzup ! I’m DeeDee Ryevalley. Been the girl companion to Noel since kindergarten. Proud to be a tomboy, a geek, and a nerd, in that order! I knew Noel when she was a stuck-up, ‘full of themselves’, screwy little boy. Shoot, he sure was a handful ! But that Sunday afternoon at Taco Bell, when I found out that he secretly wanted to be a girl, I knew then that I had to help him to realize his heart’s desire. Sure as hell kept it hidden under all that toxic male BS. But we were good friends back then, and we are still good friends now. Even better, now that it is a girl-with-girl shipping. I sometimes help out at the library where Noel is the Librarian, it’s a lot of fun. And I can mess around with Noel like only another girl can. Noel will never admit it to me, but she is so much happier now that she is a girl. All’s well that ends well !

____________________

• Rules of this wiki

____________________

>>> WIKI AFFILIATES <<<

Interested in this FANDOM community? Did you enjoy it? Want to see others like it?

You can also explore the larger FANDOM family of communities. Visit our Affiliated Wikis by clicking on the pictures below to be taken to the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library Wiki’s Officially Affiliated Wikis

HOUROU MOUSUKO WIKI / WONDERING SON WIKI

___________________________

UNTIL I BECOME ME WIKI

___________________________

MY BROTHER IS DONE FOR WIKI

___________________________

KASHIMASHI: GIRL MEETS GIRL WIKI

___________________________

GONNA BE THE TWIN TAIL WIKI

___________________________

MAJITORI! WIKI

___________________________

CARAVELLE: THE THROWAWAY GIRL

___________________________

Welcome to the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library Wiki!

An anthology and collection of short stories mostly from Japanese Anime and Manga, all with the same Transgender Theme. Plus a Main or Side Character who is a male to female transgender person, or a person who goes through a transformation and changes their Physical Sex and/or Gender Expression from male to female.

The Media Wiki page can be found here.

This Library Wiki will also honor the side characters of the stories who are allys, friends, partners, and lovers of trans people, and who help and encourage them in their trans-related life’s endeavors.

Introduction to This Specialized Wiki

In the wide, wonderful world of Japanese Anime and Manga, there are all sorts of stories that tell of human endeavors. Found within this world, and almost no where else, are stories of ones born perceived as male, but grow up to know and understand that they were born in the wrong body. Many perceived males know that eventually they should try to transition to that of their correct Gender Identity of that of a female. Each transgender individual has a story to tell, about how they addressed their concerns, how they planned their transition if that is what they wanted, and what the outcome of their efforts were. Each transition to one’s correct gender is unique to that person alone. However, there are as many individual stories of how ones accomplished their goals of transitioning, as there are individual people themselves.

Each individual who wants to transition has to find the best way for them to go about doing so. Everybody’s circumstances and situations are different. But reading about how other transgender persons have transitioned, or have changed their Gender Expression to female, can be informative, encouraging and can contribute to one’s own emotion and social satisfaction. Even if these stories have fictional characters, much about the typical, and not so typical, life of a transgender person can be learned. Thus, the concept of this Wiki was born, to show the may diverse ways that perceived males can embrace their true and correct gender of that of a female.

Purpose of this Wiki

Most children, when they are growing up and reaching puberty, look forward to this time when they soon will access adult privileges, and see themselves and their bodies become more adult-like. But for a small minority of boys, who know unreservedly that they are girls on the inside, the onset of puberty is a time of emotional pain and suffering. They see their bodies developing the sex characteristics that are opposite of what they want. To add to the unpleasantness, is that many times, because they are legal minors, they have no say so about how their lives are handled. It then becomes common for such boys to become discouraged and develop low self worth, even in extreme situations wherein they consider suicide. Proper gender related help should be given, but many times that just is not possible.

During such times of uncertainty for male to female adolescents, there should be a source of encouragement and hope, a source where ones can read about characters many times just like themselves. That is the purpose of this Library and Wiki, to be a source of stories wherein male to female transgender persons, as well as persons who wish to transform themselves from male to female, as well as anyone who has an interest in this subject, can read and identify with. True, the stories are all of fictional characters. But so much of Fiction can be a mirror of Real Life, and Real Life so often is told about in Fiction. This Library and Wiki can be a very private and intimate source for entertaining and informative fictional life stories, from the very real, to the very bizarre. If these stories can help and uplift just one male to female distressed person, or inform and aid one person to become an ally to transgender people, then the purpose of this wiki will have been fulfilled. May all transgender and transformative persons seek and find the comfort and help that they so dearly need.

Structure of this Wiki

The top toolbar is the key to entering the Library. Find the label that says The Transformation Stories. Click on it and a drop down menu will show you the various Library Aisles wherein the many stories can be found. The stories are arranged in alphabetical order, according to the first word in the title of the story. Click on the title of the story that you wish to access. That will take you to the Front Page of that story. On the Front Page will be a synopsis of the story, an introduction to the story, a link to the characters of the story, and a list of the chapters. If the story is a oneshot, the entire story will be in the Front Page. If the story is longer, click on Chapter 1 to take you to that page, and begin reading. At the end of each chapter page, there will be a link to the next chapter. Or you could go back to the Front Page, and click on each individual chapter link to access that chapter’s page. At the bottom of the Front Page may be a section where anime and manga fans, or story critics, give their opinions and comments about the story, for your review and consideration. May you enjoy your time here reading about these stories that you have an interest in.

Check Out the Newest Additions to the Library

The following stories have already been acquired by the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library, and shown below are the newest and latest stories in the Library, plus the most popular and most viewed stories. Click on the picture to be taken to that story. Most titles are already fully completed, however, a few stories might be nearing completion. For more stories, click on the banner on the toolbar called, «The Trans Stories», then click on the Library aisle that you want to browse, then click on the title of the story that you wish to read. Each story will have a synopsis on the front page of that story, as well as links to major character’s profile pages. (If at the end of the chapter or story text, there is a (THE END) notice, that means that the story is complete.

A COMPLETE INVENTORY OF ALL OF THE COMPLETED STORIES IN THIS LIBRARY, IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER, CAN BE FOUND HERE.

____________________________________________

LOOK AT WHAT’S NEW AND JUST ADDED TO THIS LIBRARY

____________________________________________

_________________________________________________

THE SIX MOST POPULAR STORIES IN THIS LIBRARY, AS CHOSEN BY YOU, THE READERS

__________________________________________________

Future Acquisitions Requested by the Male to Female Trans Library

The following stories are under review and consideration to be acquired by the male to female Transformation Library. All stories will have a male to female transgender or transformation theme. Click on each picture to be taken to a synopsis of that story. Be aware that the story may or may not eventually be added to the Library. Stories in this section that have begun to be chronicled beyond the front page synopsis are very likely to be eventually added to the Library. In addition, stories, after being accepted, still need to be adapted to this Library Wiki’s format, and that may take some time.

The Transformation Story Search Project information page can be found here.

Disclosures

This Library Wiki, based on the stories of Japanese Anime and Manga, as well as unpublished stories, is a male to female transgender/transformation themed wiki, and may not be suitable for children or pre-teens. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED !!! Everything in this Library is ‘G’, or no more than ‘PG-13’, but the Library does contain mature subject matter related to transgender/transformation of fictional characters from male to female. That being said, it is expected, and insisted, that everyone coming to this Transgender Themed Wiki must comply with the LGBTQIA+ Guidelines instituted by FANDOM management, so as to be respectful of transgender characters, as well as transgender concepts presented in the manga and anime stories.

As the various stories are chronicled in this Library Wiki, every effort at editing will be made to preserve the descriptive language that the mangaka, and/or the Japanese to English translator, has originally selected or used. However, even the most faithful literary work will contain minor missuses of gendered pronouns or gender designations and markers. Effort will be made to correct as many socially or politically incorrect markers as possible. But that is not a blanket guarantee of total or complete success. Guidelines as to how gendered markers will be used are as follows—

The male to female transgender/transformed MC (main character) or side character, when they are presenting as perceived as a male, male or gender neutral pronouns or markers will be used. When the MC is presenting as their correct gender of female, female pronouns or markers will be used. The Founder and Sysop of this Wiki will have the final determination as to the exact language and wording that will be used throughout this Library Wiki. Comments about this policy can be directed to the discussion section of this Wiki.

Meet Two of the Male to Female Transgender Characters

Find Leonard / Noel Norwood in the short story «Winning is So Sweet»
___________________________________________________________

Find the Kakeru in the manga story «Miracle Girl Kakeru»

___________________________________________________________

Disclaimers

The Management Positions for the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library Wiki are all taken, and the editing manpower of this wiki is currently adequate. This wiki, founded by a male to female transgender and bigender person themselves IRL, is a very specialized and narrow focused wiki. It is a male to female transgender themed wiki, featuring positive male to female transgender attitudes and viewpoints, as well as favorable displaying of persons who transform their gender expression from male to female, and would be best to be edited by transgender people themselves, who can tell the feelings and stories of transgender persons with personal conviction, understanding, and compassion. However, if you still feel that you supposedly somehow have to edit on this wiki, you MUST observe these Editing Guidelines, found here. Additional wiki rules enforced by FANDOM also apply to this Wiki, and can be found here.

Hello ! My name is Noel Norwood. I am the Librarian for the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library. And just in case you are wondering, the answer is «Yes»! I was born perceived as a male. I was named Leonard Norwood. A real bratty boy who was sort of a bully, and was all wrapped up in sports and sports trivia. Looked down on all girls. Many times would gave DeeDee, a girl that I have known since kindergarten, such a hard time (how did she ever put up with me?).

But when I was fourteen years old, and with the help of my childhood friend, DeeDee, and my other two girl companions, I transitioned to my correct Gender Identity of that of a teenage girl! I’m older now, turned 18 and a legal adult if you can believe that, hopefully somewhat wiser, and I take care of this very specialized library (look for my story elsewhere in this library). My friends sometimes help out at the library, too ! For whatever reasons you come here, to browse, to read the various stories, I hope that you find your time spent here most enjoyable and rewarding.

YO ! Wazzup ! I’m DeeDee Ryevalley. Been the girl companion to Noel since kindergarten. Proud to be a tomboy, a geek, and a nerd, in that order! I knew Noel when she was a stuck-up, ‘full of themselves’, screwy little boy. Shoot, he sure was a handful ! But that Sunday afternoon at Taco Bell, when I found out that he secretly wanted to be a girl, I knew then that I had to help him to realize his heart’s desire. Sure as hell kept it hidden under all that toxic male BS. But we were good friends back then, and we are still good friends now. Even better, now that it is a girl-with-girl shipping. I sometimes help out at the library where Noel is the Librarian, it’s a lot of fun. And I can mess around with Noel like only another girl can. Noel will never admit it to me, but she is so much happier now that she is a girl. All’s well that ends well !

____________________

• Rules of this wiki

____________________

>>> WIKI AFFILIATES <<<

Interested in this FANDOM community? Did you enjoy it? Want to see others like it?

You can also explore the larger FANDOM family of communities. Visit our Affiliated Wikis by clicking on the pictures below to be taken to the Male to Female Transformation Stories Library Wiki’s Officially Affiliated Wikis

HOUROU MOUSUKO WIKI / WONDERING SON WIKI

___________________________

UNTIL I BECOME ME WIKI

___________________________

MY BROTHER IS DONE FOR WIKI

___________________________

KASHIMASHI: GIRL MEETS GIRL WIKI

___________________________

GONNA BE THE TWIN TAIL WIKI

___________________________

MAJITORI! WIKI

___________________________

CARAVELLE: THE THROWAWAY GIRL

___________________________

Прожив, наверное, уже большую часть своей жизни, наполненную страданиями и всеобщим непониманием, я наконец-то обрела душевное равновесие. Сегодня, оглядываясь назад, я с ужасом осознаю, что все это время мне приходилось балансировать на грани смерти и выживания.

Возможно, многим из вас эта история покажется несусветной чушью. Впрочем, я давно привыкла к такому отношению. Но если хотя бы одному человеку моя «исповедь» поможет обрести себя, я буду считать, что рассказала её не зря.

С чего все началось

Я появился на свет в образе маленького мальчика в далеком горном городке 40 лет назад. Я был долгожданным и очень желанным ребенком. Родители боготворили меня и ни в чем не отказывали.

Мама родила меня в 37 лет, после того, как в 1979 году с горячей точки вернулся на родину мой отец. Папа был боевым офицером со всеми вытекающими последствиями: ранения, награждения, любовь к порядку и строгий нрав. Он мечтал воспитать из меня настоящего мужчину, который бы с гордостью нес воинскую службу, защищая бескрайние просторы нашей необъятной страны. К сожалению, я не оправдал его надежды.

Меня, маленького мальчика, гораздо больше привлекали мамины бусы и серьги, чем папины ордена и медали. Я отчетливо помню, что в возрасте трех с половиной лет я с удовольствием примерял её платья и туфли. По первой родители не ругали за такие шалости, считая их обычной детской игрой, которая скоро мне надоест.

Помню, как растерянно смотрел на меня отец, когда я, нарядившись в платье моей матери, вошел в комнату, где он отдыхал с сослуживцами. Нет, он не кричал и не ругался – он молчал и не шевелился. Почему-то я очень испугался. Я хотел убежать, но запутался в подоле длинного платья и упал. И папа, мой любимый папа не помог мне подняться.

Впервые мне стало страшно. Я осознал, что со мной что-то ни так. Через несколько дней мне исполнилось 6 лет. В подарок ко дню рождения я получил набор солдатиков и огромный серый танк с пультом управления. А еще через месяц отец отвел меня в спортивную школу на самбо.

С того дня на игры с переодеваниями было наложено строжайшее табу. Однажды я услышал, как ссорятся родители из-за моих странностей. Мама плакала, а папа курил и кричал. Именно тогда я понял, что такое одиночество.

Единственной отдушиной была бабушка – она учила молиться и просить защиты у Всевышнего. Помню, как неистово просил Бога превратить меня в девочку, как сжимал в ручках маленькую иконку, как слезы катились по щекам и падали на подушку. Уже тогда я понимал, что очень сильно отличаюсь от сверстников. Я терпеть не мог мальчишеские увлечения и с удовольствием играл с девчонками.

Неудивительно, что такая неординарность выходила боком: соседские пацанята дразнили «девчачьим хвостиком» и с удовольствием отвешивали тумаков. Но физические воздействия не приносили особого дискомфорта, в конце концов, на тренировках нас учили терпеть боль и давать отпор обидчикам. Гораздо больше страданий доставляли душевные терзания.

Первая попытка уйти из жизни

Я был словно маленький, затравленный зверек. Никто вокруг не замечал, что творится со мной. А моих детских познаний не хватало, чтобы объяснить взрослым, что я вовсе не мальчик, что на самом деле, я хрупкая девочка, оказавшаяся в мужском теле по чьей-то злой воле. Чем старше я становился, тем больше ненавидел это тело.

В 9 лет принял решение уйти из жизни. Написал родителям прощальную записку, помолился и начал кромсать кухонным ножом вены на руках. Странно, но я не чувствовал ни боли, ни страха, только непреодолимое желание покончить с этим кошмаром. Почему-то я был уверен, что после смерти обязательно вознесусь на небеса в женском образе. Холодное лезвие скользило, рассекало тонкую кожу, капельки алой крови стекали тонкими струйками, а я ждал, когда же начнутся преображения.

К сожалению, преображения не начались – в комнату вошла мама. Так я впервые попал в психиатрическую клинику. Лечение было длительным, мучительным и неэффективным.

Ненависть к себе

Половое созревание принесло еще большие страдания. Первая эрекция вызвала такой ужас, что не передать словами. Как же я хотел отрезать этот ненавистный орган, как часто видел сны, в которых отрезал его острым кухонным ножом. В действительности все было по-другому. Многочисленные сеансы психотерапии, после неудачной попытки самоубийства, сделали свое дело – теперь я боялся причинять себе вред режущими предметами.

Но выход был найден – резинки. Я перетягивал половой член жесткой черной резинкой, надеясь, что рано или поздно он отпадет. Естественно это не работало. Когда терпеть дискомфорт не было сил, жгут приходилось снимать. Но едва кровообращение восстанавливалось, резинка возвращалась на привычное место. Вскоре боль стала постоянным спутником. Таким образом, переключаясь на физические страдания, удавалось хотя бы частично заглушать душевные муки.

Впрочем, было бы не совсем правдиво утверждать, что школьные годы сплошь состояли из страданий, были и счастливые моменты. В один из таких моментов, после просмотра фильма про Иисуса, я решил посвятить жизнь Богу: начал посещать воскресную школу и ходить на служения. Даже собирался поступать в духовную семинарию. Одно время даже удавалась держать себя в руках, но потом все вернулась на круги своя: истерики, депрессия, апатия, агрессия к себе и окружающим.

Божья кара

Иногда, чтобы расслабиться, я надевал женский костюм и отправлялся в таком виде бродить по ночному городу. Такие прогулки помогали гораздо больше, чем сеансы терапии, гормональное лечение и посещение церкви вместе взятые.

К сожалению, сохранить тайну не удалось. Обычно я выбирался из дому через окно, и точно также возвращался. Однажды это увидел отец. Между нами произошел очень неприятный диалог. Я хлопнул дверью и ушел. Утром папы не стало. Вечером я попал в психиатрическую клинику. На похороны меня не отпустили. За три месяца, проведенных в больнице мне удалось полностью переосмыслить свою жизнь.

В первый же день после выписки я надел платье и поехал на кладбище.

Ну, здравствуй, папа. Это я, твоя дочь Надежда. Как же я соскучилась. Как жаль, что мы, так и не поговорили. Как жаль, что ты, так и не познакомился со мной. Я люблю тебя, папа. Мне очень больно от того, что стала самым большим твоим разочарованием. Прости, если сможешь.

После этого я уехал из родного городка, чтобы никогда больше туда не возвращаться.

Жизнь с нового листа

Я решил не поступать в духовную семинарию. Отнес документы в престижный столичный ВУЗ, без особых проблем сдал вступительные экзамены и был зачислен на первый курс.

Жизнь в большом городе имела массу преимуществ. Теперь преображаться в Надежду я мог абсолютно в любое время. Я с удовольствием облачался в платья, ходил по магазинам, посещал уютные кафе и смотрел на этот мир женским взглядом.

Если на лекциях собирались студенты с нескольких факультетов, то в институт я тоже приходил в образе Нади. Меня никто не узнавал, и я был безбрежно счастлив.

Вскоре удалось устроиться на работу в фешенебельный спортивный комплекс. Впервые я подумал, что годы, проведенные в спорт школе, минули не зря. Зарплата, по моим меркам, была огромная. Единственный недостаток – приняли меня как Максима, а не как Надежду. Но так как работал я женским фитнес инструктором, этот недостаток был практически неощутим. Я каждый день общался с огромным количеством красивых, уверенных женщин. Было легко и комфортно. С некоторыми девушками даже завязались дружеские отношения.

Не испытывая больше стеснения в деньгах, я переехал в хорошую квартиру, начал ходить в салоны красоты на депиляцию и посещать психолога. Единственное, что я не мог сделать – рассказать обо всем матери. Нет, я не боялся осуждения или непонимания, я боялся повторения сценария с отцом.

Девушка, которая дела мне депиляцию очень скоро стала моей лучшей подругой, между нами до сих пор сохраняются теплые дружеские отношения. Именно она поддержала меня в стремлении стать женщиной. Она нашла хорошего психотерапевта, помогла с прохождением комиссии и с покупкой блокаторов тестостерона.

Цена за «перерождение» безумно высока, моей зарплаты часто не хватало на покупку дополнительных гормональных препаратов. Поэтому процесс перехода проходил достаточно медленно. За 2 года мне удалось полностью избавиться от волос на груди и животе, сформировать аккуратную линию бикини. Удивительно, но мои молочные железы начали принимать отчетливые женские очертания даже без приема эстрогена. Казалось, что Господь услышал мои молитвы.

9 кругов ада

Но оказалось все только начинается. Собрав достаточную сумму, я обратился за помощью к сексологу и психиатру. К сожалению, а может быть и к счастью, получить разрешение на операцию по смене пола можно только после прохождения специальной врачебной комиссии. И это не просто сбор нескольких врачей терапевтов. По каждому случаю собирается консилиум врачей, состоящий не менее чем из 10 специалистов: сексологи, психиатры, эндокринологи, психологи, генетики, хирурги, каждый должен составить заключение и вынести вердикт.

Проблемы с комиссией начались в самом начале. Я прекрасно осознавал кто я. И даже сексопатолог после многочисленных тестов и обследований, потвердел, что несмотря на наличие мужских половых органов, я все же больше женщина, чем мужчина.

Первым забил тревогу эндокринолог. Нарушение в работе надпочечников. Тогда я еще не понимал, насколько огромное значение в моей жизни сыграла эта патология. Дополнительное обследование выявило нарушение в работе гипофиза.

Врач говорил очень долго, мягко и совершенно не понятно. Казалось, что его голос раздается откуда-то из далека и все, что происходит в кабинете с белыми стенами, происходит с кем-то другим. Со мной такого просто не могло произойти.

…. Нарушение внутриутробного развития… Кора надпочечников… Избыточное количество андрогенов…. Некоторые отделы мозга…. Гипертрофия клитора…. Половые губы увеличены и внешне напоминают мошонку….

ЧТО? Все это время я был женщиной? Из-за чьей-то врачебной ошибки, из-за недостаточной осведомленности врачей, мне просто вовремя не сделали пластику половых органов, не назначили соответствующее лечение, и моя жизнь понеслась под откос.

Я вышел из кабинета эндокринолога с зажатым в руке направлением к генетикам. По моим щекам катились слезы, я вспоминал себя маленьким мальчиком, который сжимал в одном кулачке маленькую иконку, а в другом блестящий кухонный нож.

Генетическая экспертиза потвердела догадки эндокринолога – я обладатель женского кариотипа. У меня женский набор хромосом. Я даже не гермафродит, я женщина с обезображенными половыми органами. Если бы мне в детстве сделали операцию и грамотно назначили лечение, всего это бы не произошло. Возможно, мой папа до сих пор был бы жив.

Конец моим страданиям

Я провел несколько недель в стационаре, успешно прошел комиссию и получил разрешение на операцию по «смене пола». Теперь у меня новые документы и новая жизнь. Осталось сообщить об этом моей старенькой маме…